What is codependency? Signs, causes, and how therapy can help
The word codependency first came from the addiction recovery field and was used to describe relationships where one partner’s life became centered on another’s substance use. Today, the term is used more broadly to describe one-sided or enabling relationships in which someone repeatedly puts another person’s needs ahead of their own in ways that feel unbalanced or unhealthy (Mental Health America).
It’s important to remember that codependency is not an official diagnosis. It’s a way of describing certain patterns of behavior that can impact your self-esteem, boundaries, and ability to build secure, balanced relationships (Psychology Today). These are behaviors you may have learned over time, not something that defines who you are as a person.
What Does Codependency Look Like?
At its core, codependency shows up when you consistently put another person’s needs or problems above your own wellbeing. You might feel overly responsible for your partner’s emotions, make excuses for their behavior, or feel anxious when you’re not helping or fixing.
Some common signs include:
Low self-esteem and relying on others for validation
Difficulty setting or keeping healthy boundaries
People-pleasing to avoid conflict or rejection
Perfectionism or being overly self-critical
Neglecting your own needs, desires, or wellbeing
Recognizing the difference between a healthy relationship and a codependent one can provide clarity: A healthy relationship is characterized by both partners giving and receiving support, maintaining independence, and respecting personal boundaries whereas a codependent relationship may be characterized by one person often sacrificing their needs, identity, or wellbeing to focus on the other person.
Where Do Codependent Traits Come From?
If you recognize codependent behaviors in yourself, you may have learned them in early family environments where roles were blurred or boundaries weren’t clear (What Codependency Is and What It Isn’t). As a child, you may have felt pressure to take care of others, keep the peace, or set aside your own needs. These coping strategies can carry into adulthood, shaping how you relate to yourself and others and making it harder to establish balanced, reciprocal relationships.
Why the Word “Codependent” Can Feel Complicated
While the idea of codependency can be a helpful framework for understanding relationship patterns, it is also sometimes applied too broadly and can be easily misunderstood. Being called “codependent” may feel stigmatizing or reduce your experience to a label, when really it’s about behaviors you learned to survive or stay connected.
It’s also important to keep cultural context in mind when using the term. In many collectivist cultures, prioritizing family or community over individual needs is seen as a strength and reflects deeply held values, not dysfunction. From a Western, individualistic lens, these same behaviors may be misinterpreted as problematic (Collective or Codependent?; Codependency or Cultural Differences?). What may look like codependency in one culture can actually reflect healthy interdependence in another.
One way of clarifying for yourself whether your behaviors are codependent or interdependent is to examine whether sacrifices that you make feel like something you wanted or chose. If you’re making sacrifices with your community in mind and you feel proud of those choices, supported by your community, and revitalized by the outcomes - that’s interdependence. But if you are struggling to get your needs met across multiple kinds of relationships in your life, if relationships tend to make you feel more drained, and the driving motivator behind your sacrifices is obligation - you might want to talk to an expert to help you clarify how you can shift some patterns to experience more joy and healing in community.
How Can Therapy Help with Codependency?
The encouraging news is that codependent patterns are learned behaviors, which means they can also be unlearned. With the right support, you can begin to shift toward patterns in relationships that feel healthier and more balanced.
Therapy provides a safe and supportive space to explore these patterns with curiosity instead of judgment. A therapist can help you understand where codependent behaviors may have started, how they show up in your current relationships, and what new skills can help you move forward.
Treatment may focus on:
Building a compassionate relationship with yourself – learning to treat yourself with the same kindness and care you offer others.
Strengthening self-esteem and self-acceptance – replacing self-criticism with confidence in your worth.
Identifying and expressing your needs – understanding that your feelings and desires are valid and important.
Practicing healthy communication – developing assertiveness skills so you can express yourself clearly while respecting others.
Creating and maintaining boundaries – learning how to say “no” when needed and protect your time, energy, and wellbeing.
Therapy can also help you uncover the root causes of these patterns—whether from early family experiences, trauma, or long-standing beliefs—and create healthier ways of relating that feel more balanced and fulfilling. Aspire Psychology therapists like Dana McPherson, LCSW, Jane Hobart, PsyD, and Magdalene Kidd Vasconez, LCSW can partner with you, support you in identifying your needs when you feel overwhelmed by the demands of others, and help you to start moving toward healthier and more balanced relationships in all aspects of your life.
Finding Balance in Relationships
If you recognize yourself in some of these signs, you are not alone. Many people struggle with the painful experiences of overwhelm and feeling neglected that can be a product of codependent tendencies. Seeking support is a sign of strength and commitment to nurturing more fulfilling relationships for everyone you love. With therapy, you can build relationships that are more balanced, respectful, and fulfilling, while deepening your connection to yourself.
Looking for support with codependency? Our therapists can help you break unhelpful patterns and build healthier connections. Make an appointment.
