Signs of Codependency: Am I In a Codependent Relationship?
In recent years, the term codependent has become a buzzword, often used loosely in everyday conversation and across the internet. The term, which was initially used in addiction recovery, has quickly become the pop psychology synonym for someone who might be clingy or needy, and has led to a great deal of confusion about what codependency actually is.
If you’ve found yourself doomscrolling late at night, trying to understand if you’re in a codependent relationship, you’re not alone.
Does a Codependent Relationship Have to Be Romantic?
No, codependent relationships are not always romantic. Friendships and family relationships, such as relationships between siblings or relationships between a parent and a child, can also be codependent. While codependency is most popularly talked about in reference to romantic relationships, any two people may be codependent.
What Are the Signs of Codependency?
As codependency is not an official diagnosis, there is not an exact set of diagnostic criteria that can be used to determine whether or not someone is codependent. However, these are the most common signs of codependency:
Relying on Others for Validation
Everyone likes to be encouraged, and it’s normal to feel a sense of relief or comfort when the people close to you offer validation. But a codependent person doesn’t just enjoy validation — they essentially become addicted to it.
This reliance on others causes the codependent person to experience more and more insecurity and self-doubt because they can no longer feel good about something from a sense of self-confidence or healthy pride. Instead, they may experience significant anxiety that can only be reduced by the validation of others, or may shape their decisions around what they believe will bring the most validation.
Neglecting Your Own Needs or Desires
Any healthy relationship has an element of self-sacrifice to it — supporting your partner’s work event when you’d rather curl up on the couch and watch Netflix, or picking a friend up from the airport even if it’s out of your way.
In a codependent relationship, however, you might find yourself completely neglecting your own needs and desires in order to please another person. You might give up things that you enjoy or put aside your emotional or physical needs to prioritize a friend or partner, which often leads to burnout or a loss of sense of self.
Difficulty Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
In a healthy relationship, both partners are able to maintain an open dialogue about their needs and personal boundaries with the goal of creating a safe space together.
However, in a codependent relationship, the thought of setting boundaries can cause a great deal of anxiety — and if boundaries are set, they may quickly evaporate due to a lack of enforcement.
People-Pleasing to Avoid Conflict
Most people don’t enjoy conflict. However, healthy conflict is a natural part of relationships and can be a way for people to grow closer together and build stronger bonds.
In codependent relationships, avoiding conflict can quickly become a top priority. A person might stay silent instead of standing up for themself in moments when they’re being treated unkindly, or might avoid sharing their feelings in order to keep from upsetting a friend, family member, or partner. Not only does this restrict healthy communication and create an imbalance within the relationship, but it also causes resentment to begin building up.
Excessive Feelings of Responsibility
In a healthy relationship, responsibilities are shared equally. While there may be seasons in which one person takes on a bit extra to support the other person when they’re struggling, they’re also able to lean on the other person when they themselves are having a hard time. The relationship is balanced, and neither person is overwhelmed or taking on too much.
In a codependent relationship, one person feels as though everything is on their shoulders. They feel responsible for the other person’s emotions, and shape their behavior around keeping that person happy. They also might take on excessive loads of daily responsibility, such as doing all of the household chores themself, applying to jobs on behalf of the other person, or taking on an unfair share of the finances.
What Do I Do If I’m In a Codependent Relationship?
If you think you might be in a codependent relationship, the first thing you need to know is this: it is possible to learn how to build healthy, balanced relationships that don’t come from a place of codependency.
You aren’t doomed to a lifetime of unhealthy relationships — you just need to understand where your codependent behaviors are coming from so you can learn how to shape balanced, reciprocal relationships.
Codependency often stems from things you internalized in your formative childhood years. Maybe you felt like you always had to keep the peace, or like your own needs were unimportant. However, the good news is this: since codependent behaviors are learned, they can also be unlearned — and therapy is the perfect place to do this work.
With the help of a trained therapist, you can learn how to:
Nurture a kinder relationship with yourself
Identify and express your needs
Set and maintain appropriate boundaries
Release responsibility that isn’t yours to carry
Build Healthier, More Fulfilling Relationships
At Aspire Psychology, we believe it’s possible to build healthy, lasting relationships that fill your cup. If you struggle with codependent feelings or behaviors, you’re not alone — and with support, you can be capable of nurturing balanced, fulfilling relationships without losing yourself along the way.
Whether you’re trying to uncover the root of codependent behaviors or want to learn how to break unhelpful patterns and build stronger connections, our therapists are here to help. Contact us today to take the first step.
