10 Signs of Trauma Bonding
From social media posts and reality TV shows to conversations in your local coffee shop, you’ve probably heard people talk about “trauma bonding.” It’s a current buzzword in pop psychology, and everyone from your coworker to your cousin seems to be “trauma bonded” to someone, or to know someone who is.
But here’s the thing — many of the conversations currently happening about trauma bonding aren’t actually considered to be clinically accurate.
So, what is trauma bonding, and how does it differ from the ways in which it’s commonly discussed? Just as importantly, how can you tell if it applies to your behavior?
Keep reading to learn about the 10 signs of trauma bonding and what it really means to have a trauma bond.
Trauma Bonding in Pop Psychology
Culturally, a trauma bond is often referred to as a connection between two people who have gone through something difficult or traumatizing together. This shared trauma could be something as intense as an active shooter situation or as everyday as a frustrating workplace environment.
Pop psychology trauma bonds can also refer to relationships in which one person helped the other through a traumatizing situation, such as a divorce or health scare.
It’s completely normal for two people to grow closer after walking through an intense circumstance together; shared life challenges bring out a deeper level of vulnerability and openness that can allow people to connect more intimately. It makes sense that you would feel a close bond with the friend who supported you through the loss of a family member, or the coworker who weathered the storm of a toxic boss alongside you.
However, while a “trauma bond” may sound like the correct term for these types of relationships, they do not actually fall under the classification of a trauma bond psychologically.
What Is Trauma Bonding Actually?
Trauma bonding is a psychological attachment that can be formed in toxic or abusive relationships. It often stems from early attachment patterns, and develops through a cycle of intermittent reinforcement — moments of love and affection alternated with moments of abuse, criticism, and harm.
This intermittent reinforcement creates a confusing pattern that is often compared to Stockholm syndrome. The person being harmed doesn’t know how to process the swings between kindness and abuse, and mistakes the positive moments with love and safety. They feel that because there are good moments in the relationship, it’s a healthy, loving relationship to be in, and become addicted to the dopamine high that comes from chasing and achieving positive reinforcement in the midst of so much damage and rejection.
Trauma bond relationships are built on layers of power, control, and fear, making them incredibly dangerous. This dynamic can happen in all kinds of relationships, from romantic partnerships to family relationships to even friends or coworkers.
The unhealthy dynamics at play erode the person being abused’s sense of self-esteem, creating a distorted reality in which boundaries are blurred and a person feels unable to trust themselves. It can be difficult for a person trapped in this type of relationship to leave, because they struggle to see the relationship for what it truly is.
10 Signs of Trauma Bonding
What does a trauma-bonded relationship look like? Here are a few key signs to watch out for.
1. Love Bombing
In the early days of the relationship, everything feels perfect — a little too perfect, you might realize after the fact. The abuser pours praise, affection, and attention onto the victim, creating a false baseline of trust and safety.
2. Gaslighting and Confusion
The thing about the love bombing stage is that it doesn’t last forever. Eventually, it’s replaced with devaluation, criticism, and cruelty, leaving the victim confused and feeling as though they must have done something wrong. The abuser manipulates and gaslights the victim, making them think that it’s all in their head or that they’re going crazy. Once the victim is disoriented, they are unable to properly view reality, and rely on their abuser for clarity.
Watch out for phrases like, “That never happened,” “You’re just so sensitive,” or, “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?” that invalidate your experience and dismiss your feelings.
3. Inconsistent Behavior
A trauma bonded relationship is always shifting. One day, everything is perfect; the next, everything is wrong. All relationships have ups and downs or conflicts, but trauma bonded relationships live in extremes, and the inconsistency is impossible for the victim to make sense of.
4. Fear of Setting Boundaries
In a healthy relationship, both parties are able to set boundaries both for themself as well as the overall health of the relationship. However, in a trauma bonded relationship, attempts to set boundaries are met with anger, passive aggression, or punishment. The victim is left feeling as though the tension is their own fault for trying to set boundaries, and they eventually give up, leaving the abuser in full control.
5. Isolation
Trauma bonds thrive in isolation. An abuser doesn’t want their victim to receive outside input on the relationship, so they will work to cut the victim off from friends and family, often manipulating the victim by claiming that loved ones are “toxic” or disapprove of the relationship unfairly. This keeps the victim relying solely on the abuser for all connection and all of their needs.
6. Self-Blame & Feelings of Shame and Guilt
Because the victim has experienced what they feel to be kindness and care from their abuser, when the tables turn and they’re met with anger, unkindness, or harmful behavior, they feel as though they must have done something to cause or deserve it. This belief is often paired with intense feelings of guilt or shame, and self-confidence is diminished.
7. Walking on Eggshells
Because the victim believes that conflicts or issues in the relationship are their own fault, they often feel as though they have to walk on eggshells to keep the peace. There often is no rhyme or reason to the abuser’s outbursts, and the emotional unpredictability is terrifying and exhausting. The victim finds themselves hyper-aware, always waiting for the next shoe to drop and trying to anticipate any issues to prevent them before things blow up.
8. Rationalizing or Lying About Abuse
It’s common for people trapped in trauma bond relationships to lie about what they're experiencing or to rationalize what’s happening. This may be to hide it from others, but it may also be because they are unable to acknowledge the truth of it to themselves.
9. Physical and Emotional Symptoms
Living in a trauma bond takes a toll on the body and mind. Chronic health issues such as headaches or GI issues are common, and trauma bond victims often experience emotional symptoms such as anxiety, depression, or panic attacks.
10. Leaving Feels Impossible
Trauma bond relationships are built to trap. Between emotional (and sometimes logistical) dependence, gaslighting, and isolation, the idea of leaving feels impossible, and is only made more difficult by the constant swing back and forth between good times and bad.
Trauma Bonding vs. Codependency
Trauma bonding and codependency can often be mistaken for each other. However, the two have key differences.
While trauma bonding leans heavily into abuse and manipulation, codependency is able to exist without abuse. Instead, codependency is a pattern of neglecting one’s own needs and desires, taking on too much responsibility for the sake of the other person in the relationship.
Codependent relationships may not always be healthy, but they don’t have the same root level of harm as trauma bonded relationships do.
Learn How to Build Healthier Relationships With Aspire Psychology
At Aspire Psychology, we know how important it is to build safe, healthy relationships free of abuse and manipulation. If you have concerns about the nature of your relationship, you don’t have to navigate them alone.
Contact us today to learn how our therapists can help you work toward a life of safe, supportive connections.
