Have you ever wondered if you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style? If your partner displays avoidant tendencies, you may be unsure whether these tendencies are isolated or part of a deeper attachment style.

Understanding your partner’s attachment style can be a valuable tool in better learning how to communicate and build a healthy relationship. Keep reading to learn more about what an avoidant attachment style is, how it may impact a relationship, and what to do if you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style.

What Is Attachment Style?

First things first: what is attachment style, anyway?

The American Psychological Association’s Dictionary of Psychology defines attachment style as, “The characteristic way people relate to others in the context of intimate relationships, which is heavily influenced by self-worth and interpersonal trust.” It goes on to say that a person’s degree of attachment security relates directly to how they bonded with others as a child — thus rooting an individual’s attachment style in their childhood experiences. The APA Dictionary notes that different attachment styles in infancy are associated with different psychological outcomes in childhood and later in life.

Attachment style broadly refers to whether a person tends to feel secure or insecure in close relationships. Secure attachment is characterized by comfort with intimacy, trust, and emotional balance, while insecure attachment reflects difficulties with safety, closeness, or consistency in relationships. Insecure attachment is commonly understood to include three main patterns: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. See below for an in depth look at avoidant attachment style.

Does My Partner Have an Avoidant Attachment Style? 5 Signs You’re Dating Someone With an Avoidant Attachment Style

Wondering if you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style? Here are five key signs to keep an eye out for:

They struggle to let others in. Someone with an avoidant attachment style might be independent to a fault. They might not only have a hard time letting others in to what they’re thinking or feeling, but also to their daily routines and spaces.

They avoid strong displays of closeness or intimacy. A person with an avoidant attachment style may feel uncomfortable with displays of intimacy, public or private.

They start to close off when things get serious. At first, the connection may feel light and enjoyable. However, when it’s time for serious conversations, your partner might shut down.

They may put distance between themselves and their partner. One of the most hurtful ways an avoidant attachment style can show up in a relationship is through the distance that an avoidant partner often creates. Things may feel hot and cold as you never know when your partner will seem fully engaged and when they will withdraw or back off, both emotionally as well as in day-to-day life.

They may find (or create) reasons to end the relationship. As the relationship progresses, someone with an avoidant attachment style might suddenly end the relationship seemingly out of nowhere. It’s not uncommon for this kind of breakup to feel confusing or illogical.

If these sound all-too familiar, you may be dating someone who has an avoidant attachment style.

A man and woman sit on opposite ends of a couch, turned away from each other.

How Does an Avoidant Attachment Style Impact a Relationship?

Each attachment style steps into a relationship differently — so how will dating someone with an avoidant attachment style impact your relationship?

A relationship with a partner with an avoidant attachment style can be rife with confusion, hurt, and frustration due to that person’s natural tendency to withdraw and retreat. You might not understand why your partner is always pulling away, and may struggle with fearing that you did something wrong to cause the distance.

This is particularly hard in relationships in which one partner has an avoidant attachment style and the other partner has an anxious attachment style. This pairing is arguably the most difficult, as the two partners have polar opposite instincts. When stress arises, the avoidant partner may cope by pulling back, while the anxious partner may respond with more codependent tendencies in an effort to maintain connection.

Additionally, in any relationship involving someone with an avoidant attachment style, communication can be a challenge, as those with avoidant attachment styles often withdraw or make sudden decisions without communicating why.

How to Date Someone With an Avoidant Attachment Style

Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style doesn’t mean your relationship is destined to fail. Every relationship is unique, and if two people are committed to building a safe connection with a foundation based in healthy communication, it’s possible to have a loving, healthy partnership.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when dating someone with an avoidant attachment style:

Learn Your Own Attachment Style

Before you can fully understand how to relate to and connect with your partner, you need to learn your own attachment style. This will allow you to better understand how you and your partner instinctively react or respond to various situations and topics of conversation.

Prioritize Clear Communication

As with all relationships, communication is key. Miscommunication leads to hurt, confusion, and disappointment, which is all the more important to proactively avoid when trying to navigate a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style.

Give Your Partner Space When Needed

A partner with an avoidant attachment style will probably need a little extra space from time to time. When handled appropriately with proper communication, this isn’t necessarily a negative thing.

It’s important for a person dating someone with an avoidant attachment style to be aware that their partner may need space to step away, recharge, and regulate from time to time. In a healthy relationship, this is not a sign of disinterest in the relationship or a lack of love for their partner — simply a personal need.

Invest in Things Outside of Your Relationship

Take time to intentionally pursue things outside of your relationship — friendships, hobbies, or personal development. It’s healthy to have priorities external to your relationship, and filling your own cup will allow you to be the best version of yourself within your relationship.

Pay Attention to How Your Partner Expresses Love

If you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, they might not express love in the stereotypical ways you expect from a partner. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be less verbally affectionate, and may avoid leaning into more serious moments.

However, when a partner with an avoidant style truly loves someone, they do express it — and when you’re in a relationship with a partner who has an avoidant attachment style, you’ll probably discover that they’re showing their love for you in different ways, even if it’s more subtle. Love from someone with an avoidant attachment is often displayed in practical, action-oriented ways such as:

Consistently making time to do something that’s important to you
Taking care of a chore that they know you hate
Including you in their routine
Remembering details of things you’ve said

It can be discouraging if you aren’t seeing specific expressions of love that you crave from your partner, but that doesn’t automatically mean that they don’t love you — it might just mean that they express it differently. Paying attention to how your partner is showing up can remind you just how much they care.

Is Therapy Helpful If I’m Dating Someone With an Avoidant Attachment Style?

When dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, therapy can be a valuable tool for both you and your partner.

If you’re struggling in your relationship, therapy can help you sort through what you’re feeling, develop tools and strategies for building better relational habits, and manage your own challenges so that you can show up as the best version of yourself in your relationship.

Likewise, your partner can benefit from the same thing. Additionally, therapy can help your partner better understand the root of their avoidant attachment style and work to develop a more secure attachment style.

In any relationship, both parties need to gain insight and awareness both about themselves as well as how to better relate to their partner. In order for the relationship to succeed, intentionally nurturing honest communication and healthier conflict management is key — and therapy is the perfect place to start.

Build Healthier Communication Patterns With the Team at Aspire Psychology

No matter your attachment style, healthy communication is at the core of all lasting relationships. Whether you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, an anxious attachment style, or a secure attachment style, your relationship will only be made stronger when supported by an expert therapist who cares about you and your wellbeing.

Are you ready to begin building a foundation of stability, communication, and trust? Take the first step with Aspire Psychology today.

Dating an Avoidant Attachment Style: Understanding Your Partner